WOMAN, MOTHER, OR BOTH?

I grew up in a traditional Puerto Rican home, in a traditional Puerto Rican neighborhood, raised by a very traditional Puerto Rican woman, surrounded by traditional Puerto Rican everything. The women I saw as I was growing up were devoted to their house, husbands, and children, and as not all of them were a hundred percent happy, they stuck to the traditional roles that were expected of them. They performed house chores all day, took care of their husband’s lives in a servile way, and had no other mission in life than to make sure that the needs of their children were taken care of, that the house was clean and perfect, and that their husbands would not find any flaws in what they did and how they did things. They never received any sign of appreciation from their husbands, or children, or relatives, as they were only doing what they were supposed to, and as such they could not complain, but only strive to be better at cooking, cleaning, raising the children, and keeping their husbands in a good mood.

I was always a girly-girl, full of energy and deep thoughts. I remember some ladies in my neighborhood warning me that all my make-up, manicure, pedicure, and hair-doing time would be over the moment I had kids, or the moment I met a guy who did not approve of my girly ways. And I always thought: “that would never happen”. I was the first one in my immediate family to challenge the traditional system built for women. I became a leader in my community and school at a very early age, I then became a leader in my college, graduated with two Bachelor’s and Master’s degrees, partied, traveled, dated, danced, sang, became an art’s model (yeap, I had to be naked all the time for the job), enrolled in the military, bought the two cars I owned, moved to San Juan by myself, bought my own place, paid for all my expenses, and lived a single and fabulous life until I got married. I remember my friend Ibrahim told me once: “do not marry a machista like me, marry someone who would appreciate who you are and that would always support your spirit and leadership”, and I did. My lifestyle brought my grandmother to tears sometimes, and maybe earned me a few gossips around the neighborhood, but I never cared. I was determined to be the woman I wanted to be at all cost, and to not let anyone even suggest otherwise.

I became a mother two years ago. Motherhood brought a whole new dimension to my life, and reinforced the woman I am. I am the mother of a son, and I want my son to appreciate women, and to not be a machista Latino (if he becomes one, I would literally brake him and make him new). When I had my baby, the words of those women in my neighborhood resonated in my head, and I had no doubt I could prove them wrong. I continued to do my nails and have pedicures, continued to do my hair, put make-up on, and dress nicely in spite of the predictions. I continued to dance and learned how to play the guitar while my son was still a young baby, will learn how to play the piano and finish my doctorate degree, maybe learn a few more languages and a few more dancing rhythms, all while I am a mother. Motherhood should not deprive us from being who we are and what we want to become, it should just fuel our lives to excel. There is no greater gift to our children than to be a live testimony of how we have the power to do and be everything we want to do and be. We can be mothers and still be women and satisfy our needs as well as nurture our children’s lives.

Of course motherhood changes a lot of things, but it should just make our lives better and our perspectives clearer. And as I am only the mother of one, the mothers of twos, threes, etc. might be thinking “just wait until you have your next one”. I am realistic and know that when I have my next one or ones, devoting time for myself will be even more challenging, but way more rewarding since my time will be scarce. Besides, I know I just have to put some things on hold for a while, not forever. The woman in me will always seek to become stronger and to have more presence, even when I am busy taking care of my children. We do not have to put ourselves in a shelf when we are mothers; we can become better women for us and our children.