Vulnerability and Intimacy
Vulnerability and IntimacyIn today's society, we are finding that women are picking up more male characteristics and are crossing over gender boundaries. These women are, now more than ever before, able to show a range of feelings, independence, strength, competitiveness, goal / achievement orientation, etc. As women are able to show both feminine and masculine characteristics, they are more flexible, better adjusted, and higher functioning. They are operating from a whole personality as opposed to half as when they only use their feminine characteristics (vulnerable, dependent, nurturing, relationship oriented, etc.). This has changed their roles within the work force, the home, and their intimate relationships.
At the same time, men are sticking with their learned role within the work force, the home and their intimate relationships. They continue to use mostly their masculine characteristics. Between the ages of 3 and 5, boys are socialized to prefer the male characteristics. This is when they are taught to be tough and competitive, not to cry, to show strength and heroism, etc. This is also the developmental stage when they are becoming verbal, and as they are taught to hide emotions they don't learn to identify them, put a name to them and express them, a skill necessary in intimate relationships.
What happens is that these boys grow up to be men who operate from only half their personality (use only masculine characteristics). Since men have been comfortable in their societal role, and until recently did not feel a need to be any differently, they have not done much to integrate their counterpart characteristics. As feminine characteristics are devalued in our society, why would they want to show them? It is difficult for men to express their feminine characteristics, not only because they are devalued in our society and therefore they "shouldn't want to", but because they do not have the skills to do so. They have a hard time with the relational, nurturing, feeling piece of their existence.
Now keep in mind that there are always exceptions. Here I'm describing this phenomena from a general perspective. There are plenty of men out there who are doing a great job of becoming more whole. This piece is in no way intended to put men down. (For you men reading this newsletter, I want you to know that you are a large portion of my readership.) On the contrary, my heart goes out to you for being in a difficult spot. And I'm getting to explaining how all this translates into your intimate relationship. For you feminist reading this, don't bug-out yet, I do pull it all together at the end...
I'm trying to shed some light on issues that contribute to relationship difficulty and to assist you understand the reason for feeling stuck in your relationship. I am honored to have so many men read my material. It shows me I'm on the right track. They do want to become more educated on the ways of relationships and nurturing. They are trying to bridge the gap I'm discussing here. Keep up the great work!!
Women are making progress in changing their role and picking up male characteristics thanks to the women's movement of the last 40 years, and the fact that their socialization came around the adolescent stage when they already new both sets of characteristics just learned to deny one of them. Men did not have a revolutionizing movement, teaching them how to be more nurturing. (Sounds silly, right? This is how ingrained our socialization is...). Also, since men were socialized at an earlier age, they are hit twice as hard. They had no help becoming more whole (they are strongly socialized not to show feminine characteristics) and they don't know how to.
What happens is that now we have women operating with a whole personality and a different role, and men who still operate basically from a half personality and the old role. How are they to be compatible, share the same visions and goals, see eye-to-eye, understand each other, meet each other's needs, and have a mutually fulfilling relationship when they come together on such disparate footing? Wow! It is no wonder the divorce rate in this country remains close to 50%.
I want to point out that for the purpose of this newsletter, I am addressing this social concern from a relational perspective alone to assist couples in their relationships. It is written in very basic terms and general facts. This is not a theoretical paper nor am I promoting a social agenda. I'm not condemning men nor women for the state of affairs in the gender world in today's society. Also, the dynamics described primarily address heterosexual relationships, but can be applied to homosexual ones (these relationships are usually more complex in terms of gender roles and socialization, and a more specific discussion is beyond the scope of this issue).
Anyway, today we have men and women in our society operating from different perspectives and with conflicting goals. Women continue to fight against oppression and to sustain their newly developed whole personalities, and men are trying to keep their feet on the rug. What happens is that women appear to be running the show, and demanding more from their mates. They feel that if they have both sets of characteristics and have an androgynous role where they can take care of traditional female and male tasks, why can't men do the same and share the load. Hence, they are resentful when they feel men don't meet them half way.
Men are finding it difficult to continue to exist / operate with half personalities as their old roles are failing them in everyday interactions, especially at home. They feel something is missing, they fall short, they do not understand, there are high expectations they are not meeting, they feel out of place and weak and can't show it. They are floundering. Just being the "bread winner" is not enough (and this is usually shared today). They are stuck in being "manly" and this is not working for them, and they don't know how else to be. They feel less than, inadequate, weak, out of place, stuck, etc. This leads to male depression and violence, the only ways they know how to express themselves in light of the situation.
So, where does this leave us? With a joint venture for creating intimacy. You see, right now intimacy is really difficult because of the wall men have up because they can't show vulnerability. And, because of the resentment women have. Hence, the couple has a hard time connecting and being intimate. Ladies, I could just hear you saying, "Yeah, men get it together and become whole already." But it's not that simple. What happens if you are one of the lucky ones that have a partner who has cried in front of them? Did you freak out? Did you think less of him? Were you scared that he was "falling apart"? Be honest. See my point? We collude with men for them to continue to operate with only half a personality. We don't want a "weak, cry baby" man... Get my drift?
The solution? Women, encourage and support your partner's softer side (feminine characteristics). Help them and teach them how to identify feelings, put a name to them and share them.
--Feeling shows up and is noticed: "funny feeling in the stomach" and "heart pounds"--Identify feeling, name it: "anxiety"--Express it: "I feel anxious when you put you down"
Men, be receptive to women teaching you their ways. Observe and emulate them. Ask questions. Tune-in to your body - it'll show you the emotions. Accept them. Express these. When women give you mixed messages, call them on them. When you feel stuck because you are damned if you do and damned if you don't, point this out. You'll see that women have this picture that they are perfect and do all the work in the relationship and if it weren't for them there wouldn't be a relationship, but they are not perfect and assist put you in this awkward spot. Like I like to say, "It takes two to tango." So when you point this out to them, they might at first feel blamed and resentful, but eventually love to hear when they are assisting you "mess up." They no longer question their decision to be with you. They realize that you are on this together, that you are paying attention and trying.
For women who are not happy with this presentation, you are probably more of a feminist (I hear you, believe me!!). What has made me be "ok" with this and embrace this concept is the fact that, "If I help my partner be more whole and change his role, then I am making my relationship better, and in the long run I'll be happier." You see, I'm in charge of my future, my life, and my happiness. I'm not a mere recipient.
By Couples Expert Emma K. Iozzi, MA, MFTFounder & President of Metropolitan Wellness Services, Inc.http://www.metrowellnez.com
1 comment:
Very best site. Keep working. Will return in the near future.
»
Post a Comment