When I think about the struggle that women are still having in the world of men to go ahead and to stay afloat, in spite of all the obstacles, I cannot help to ask the almost rhetorical question: how did this gender inequality begin in the first place? Of course, my next question is: how do we make the playing field between men and women even? The answers to those two questions are complex and multiple. However, I think we can start with something very basic: easing up on gender role imposition.
Two days ago, I was talking to a friend of mine about our children. We both have preschool-age boys and they engaged in playing. My boy started playing about shooting and killing bad guys. My friend did not like the game too much (I don’t like it either) but said it is probably inevitable that boys play like that, because they are boys and that’s what boys do (my stomach turns over every time I hear that phrase). I told her my boy had been given guns, rifles, and swords for his birthday from friends and family. I continued to say to her that, if I had a girl, nobody would’ve thought of giving her those sorts of toys for her birthday. Instead, they would have given her a dish set, a tea set, a kitchen set, and dolls (with diapers), for sure.
I do not buy the general theory (not a scientific theory, I must add) that boys are built to be aggressive and that girls are built to be docile. I truly believe, from the time girls and boys are born, parents and people around them, treat them differently based on their gender. Girls get the softer approach, while boys get the less delicate approach, so girls can grow up to be well-mannered and nice, and boys get to grow up to be strong and competitive. Based on my own experience, I remember wanting to do things that my grandmother considered off-limits to girls, and therefore, being forbidden to do them. I never understood why I was not allowed to play with cars or have a race track. I never understood why I was not allowed to climb trees or to ride a bike. I was not even allowed to whistle because “only boys did that”. The list of the “not to dos” was long for me because I was a girl.
I see it in my girlfriends, (the ones raising boys), how, even when knowing what women go through on a daily basis regarding equality, still instill those gender notions on their boys. They still say ‘boys don’t cry”, “boys are strong”, “strong boys don’t get hurt”, and “boys are supposed to protect girls”. I see it in my girlfriends, (the ones raising girls), how, even when knowing what women go through on a daily basis regarding equality, they embed gender notions of weakness, conformism, and subservience in their daughters by allowing them to do things that they say are only done by girls (or not to do things they considered to be done by boys only). And mothers of both boys and girls later justify their children’s behaviors by saying “boys are like that” and “girls are like that”.
If men and women are built differently, and therefore, if this has had and has historical, anthropological, sociological, and behavioral implications for both sexes will never be confirmed categorically. What we can do is be more cognoscente of the way we raise our boys and girls to teach them how to live with each other and to respect each other; their differences and similarities, capabilities and greatness, awarding both sexes high value and regard.
The greatest fear of fathers of boys is not that their boys will fail school, use drugs during their teenage years, or have unprotected sex. Their greatest fear is that their sons will be homosexual (and that their wives will “turn” them gay if they raise them to be sensitive and compassionate). Men’s fear to somehow raise gay sons dumbfounds me. Women’s conformism to old constructs in spite of what we have experienced staggers me. To level the playing field requires a constant and serious shift in our mentality so we can raise strong girls and strong boys, sensitive girls and sensitive boys, and nice girls and nice boys who can see each other like allies, partners, and equal beings.
Two days ago, I was talking to a friend of mine about our children. We both have preschool-age boys and they engaged in playing. My boy started playing about shooting and killing bad guys. My friend did not like the game too much (I don’t like it either) but said it is probably inevitable that boys play like that, because they are boys and that’s what boys do (my stomach turns over every time I hear that phrase). I told her my boy had been given guns, rifles, and swords for his birthday from friends and family. I continued to say to her that, if I had a girl, nobody would’ve thought of giving her those sorts of toys for her birthday. Instead, they would have given her a dish set, a tea set, a kitchen set, and dolls (with diapers), for sure.
I do not buy the general theory (not a scientific theory, I must add) that boys are built to be aggressive and that girls are built to be docile. I truly believe, from the time girls and boys are born, parents and people around them, treat them differently based on their gender. Girls get the softer approach, while boys get the less delicate approach, so girls can grow up to be well-mannered and nice, and boys get to grow up to be strong and competitive. Based on my own experience, I remember wanting to do things that my grandmother considered off-limits to girls, and therefore, being forbidden to do them. I never understood why I was not allowed to play with cars or have a race track. I never understood why I was not allowed to climb trees or to ride a bike. I was not even allowed to whistle because “only boys did that”. The list of the “not to dos” was long for me because I was a girl.
I see it in my girlfriends, (the ones raising boys), how, even when knowing what women go through on a daily basis regarding equality, still instill those gender notions on their boys. They still say ‘boys don’t cry”, “boys are strong”, “strong boys don’t get hurt”, and “boys are supposed to protect girls”. I see it in my girlfriends, (the ones raising girls), how, even when knowing what women go through on a daily basis regarding equality, they embed gender notions of weakness, conformism, and subservience in their daughters by allowing them to do things that they say are only done by girls (or not to do things they considered to be done by boys only). And mothers of both boys and girls later justify their children’s behaviors by saying “boys are like that” and “girls are like that”.
If men and women are built differently, and therefore, if this has had and has historical, anthropological, sociological, and behavioral implications for both sexes will never be confirmed categorically. What we can do is be more cognoscente of the way we raise our boys and girls to teach them how to live with each other and to respect each other; their differences and similarities, capabilities and greatness, awarding both sexes high value and regard.
The greatest fear of fathers of boys is not that their boys will fail school, use drugs during their teenage years, or have unprotected sex. Their greatest fear is that their sons will be homosexual (and that their wives will “turn” them gay if they raise them to be sensitive and compassionate). Men’s fear to somehow raise gay sons dumbfounds me. Women’s conformism to old constructs in spite of what we have experienced staggers me. To level the playing field requires a constant and serious shift in our mentality so we can raise strong girls and strong boys, sensitive girls and sensitive boys, and nice girls and nice boys who can see each other like allies, partners, and equal beings.
2 comments:
I agree with you 100 percent. Do you have any suggestions on how to begin this journey with my husband which I consider an open minded men and whom I have serious confrontations on how we/I raise our twin boys?
Loved your article, thanks!
Thanks for the comment and the question. See my latest article "How to Raise a Tough Guy" for more on this subject. More articles about this topic will be available in the upcoming weeks. Thanks for visiting and keep coming!
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