In one way or another, we have all struggled in our lives with
feeling “worthy-of”. Most often than none, we have had doubts about our worth
in different areas and therefore we have questioned whether or not we are
worthy-of something. Are we qualified for that job? Are we cut out for that
promotion? Do we have the right or enough credentials as compared to others?
All these doubts are perhaps easily dispelled by taking risks in the
professional world in which others can reassure us of our worth. However, the
worthy-of doubt and questioning are particularly dangerous when we question
whether or not we are worthy of love or worthy of a certain person in our lives
in the context of a sentimental relationship. The not-worthy-of complex usually
leads to poor choices in relationships and a lot of heartbreak.
It seems that a lot of people are involved in toxic
relationships these days. However, as bizarre as it may sound to the logical
mind, perfectly fine and fairly intelligent individuals continue to choose to
be involved in deconstructive relationships with people who “are not worthy of
them”; or so we think. The problem may be that that person living in that toxic
relationship may think he/she is not worthy of something better and therefore
settles for the person who, although brings a lot of toxicity into the
relationship, is at least available and showing that “at least somebody cares
about me”. The other person in the relationship who is the cause of mayhem
feeds off of the “not-worthy-of” person because he/she is also feeling that
he/she is not worthy of someone good and constantly jeopardizes and antagonizes
the relationship and the person who she/he feels is more worthy than her/him. In any event, both “not-worthy-of” individuals
feed off of each other’s insecurities and low self-worth.
Often times, our not-worthy-of complex manifests in the way
of rejecting someone worthy in fear that, if we give him/her a try our
not-worthy-of truth will be revealed, leaving us exposed and reassured in our
complex. For instance, we fear that if our “secret” not-worthy-of status (our
past, our debt, the truth about how our past relationship ended, our
professional credentials, our bank account or whatever that may be) leaks, the
other person may reject us, thus validating what we already knew all along:
that we are not-worthy-of. We fear that if we agree to be with someone leveled,
intelligent, capable, available, whole, complete and sacred, she/he will flee
when we get uncovered in our not-worthy-of state. Therefore, we reject the worthy
candidates and choose the not-worthy-of like us with which our secret is safe.
When we start self-doubting our worth we run into deep
trouble. Yes, self-worth is something that is constructed during childhood and
if the foundation was weak, building up that self-worth can be an uphill and
constant battle. And more than a battle, it may lead to many relationships in
which one does not feel worthy enough to be with a worthy-of-us or
worthy-enough partner. When we live in toxic relationships, both partners are
lacking self-worth. Both the one receiving the toxicity and the one initiating
it do not feel worthy of anything else, more or better. And the cycle becomes
vicious and never-ending.
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