UNA PREGUNTA

El encontrar la Rima XLI de Bécquer me ha puesto a pensar en José Gautier Benítez. Cómo separarlos, si en el universo literario y en total desconocimiento uno del otro, ambos encontraron musa igual para sus dolencias de amor? Sufrir por amor y amar fue sinónimo para estos dos grandes poetas, haciendo del dolor hermosas obras de arte a través de la poesía. De mi poeta preferido, José Gautier, Una Pregunta:


UNA PREGUNTA

Sol espléndido y radiante
en la ancha esfera sujeto;
no te pregunto el secreto
de tu esplendor rutilante.

Ni por qué, nube distante
tiñes de ópalo y rubí;
pero perdóname si
te pregunto en mi querella,
¿si estará pensando en mí
como estoy pensando en ella?

Luna, brillante topacio
que, entre nebuloso tul,
cruzas la techumbre azul
de las alas del espacio.

Si se fijaron despacio
sus bellos ojos en ti,
y si la miraste, di
si estaba doliente y bella,
si estaba pensando en mí
como estoy pensando en ella.

Mar inmenso que te agitas
sobre tu lecho de arena,
y que ora en bonanza plena
tus olas no precipitas;

tú que bañas las benditas
riberas donde viví,
los sitios donde la vi
tan pura, tan dulce y bella,
responde, si piensa en mí,
como estoy pensando en ella.

Brisa, que acaso pasando
jugaste con sus cabellos,
tú que besaste su cuello
su mejilla acariciando,

Y que luego murmurando
te fuiste lejos de allí,
si eres la misma que aquí
pasas sin marcar tu huella,
responde, si piensa en mí,
como estoy pensando en ella.

Noche apacible y serena
por más que te cause enojos,
que sean más bellos sus ojos
y más negra su melena,

Presta un consuelo a mi pena
ya que sufriendo viví,
y pues no llega hasta aquí
el resplandor de esa estrella,
responde, si piensa en mí,
como estoy pensando en ella.

Nubes que en blanco celaje
bordáis el manto del cielo,
cual aves que alzan el vuelo
sobre el inmenso paisaje,

decidme si en vuestro viaje
lejos, muy lejos de aquí,
llegasteis a verla, y si
respondéis a mi querella,
si estaba pensando en mí,
como estoy pensando en ella.

Sol y luna, mar y viento,
nubes y noche, ayudadme,
y en vuestro idioma contadme
si es mío su pensamiento;

si es igual su sentimiento
a este que mi pecho hiere,
decid si mi amor prefiere
a la calma que perdió;
¡decidme, en fin, si me quiere
lo mismo que la amo yo!

José Gautier Benítez, 1868

Rima XLI

De uno de mis favoritos, Gustavo Adolfo Bécquer:

Tú eras el huracán,

y yo la altatorre que desafía su poder.

(¡Tenías que estrellarte o que abatirme...!)

¡No pudo ser!

Tú eras el océano;

y yo la enhiesta roca que firme aguarda su vaivén.

(¡Tenías que romperte o que arrancarme...!)

¡No pudo ser!

Hermosa tú, yo altivo;

acostumbrados uno a arrollar, el otro a no ceder;

la senda estrecha, inevitable el choque...

¡No pudo ser!

Lies at the Altar

Marriage should be a venture in which both parties engage in a journey of life discovery by mutually loving, respecting, supporting, understanding, and growing each other in equality, harmony, and balance. Marriage should not be a burden imposed by one and carried by the other like a cross to the calvary. In a relationship of any kind, the parties involved should feel they are growing, evolving, and moving forward whole and fair. The moment we deny ourselves for the sake of the marriage, the marriage is only two persons living under the same roof. The moment we feel we are shrinking, diminishing, vanishing, evaporating for the sake of the marriage, the price is too high.

Marriage should not be based on social expectations, it should not be a prison, it should not be a chain to our hearts and souls. Marriage should be about having the freedom to be, to express love and be loved fully, deeply, and respectfully. Our dignity comes first. When we love ourselves sanely, we are better partners and expect and demand the same.

Something to reflect about...

“Being with this man almost killed me-almost crushed my bright and resilient spirit and tampered with my sturdy and robust mind. He wanted to rob me of my very essence, and for a long time I let him. Where was I in my life that I could have devoted so much time, energy, and effort to a man who neither honored nor valued me? Why did I stay in a relationship with a man who could hurt me so deeply, who could make me feel ashamed of wanting a normal life? How could I think it was okay to be with someone who told me I was not much of a woman and criticized me relentlessly? How could I think it was okay to be with someone who taunted me and prodded at the open wounds of my insecurities? I gave away my power, thinking it would soothe him, and it did temporarily. But each day required that less and less of me exist. I tried to be better, tried to be happier. I made meals out of crumbs and smiled as I ate the crumbs in order to appear full and satisfied. I tried to be more understanding and accepting. I was looking for a way to make something work that made no sense. I realize now that, with all my effort and devotion, he never really saw me, much less loved me. When he grew up tired of the way my desire for connection collided with his desire for oblivion, he simply erased me…” Dr. Robin L. Smith (2006). Lies at the Altar: The Truth About Happy Marriages. New York: Hyperion.

Re-Writing the Script

Our life circumstances are due a lot to our own input. We could not choose where we were born, who our parents and siblings were or are, where we lived when we were growing up, what school we went to or our teachers and classmates; for a long time we could not choose what clothes we wore, how we wore our hair, and mostly we had not control over the parenting styles of our parents. Our parents went through socialization experiences that shaped their beliefs, value system, personalities, and the way they expressed their feelings, emotions, and thoughts while we were growing up and even now; most likely kept a lot of what was instilled in them during their upbringing and passed it on to us during our socialization. Now, at some point in our lives we realized what works and what does not work from the way we were socialized because it is not applicable to our time, to who we are, or to who we want to become. However, some people live by the old script, following it like a bible, reading it aloud everyday to themselves and to others around them, playing by it like a sad drama, even when they understand there were some “flaws” in that old script that are worth addressing and changing. Individuals have the need to apply responsibility to someone, sometimes anyone, for their bad experiences, “failures” of the past, and rough times life brings, and many place blame on the way they were socialized. “That is the way I was raised” is a commonly used phrase to depict how our actions and present circumstances reflect the paradigms imposed to us in our upbringing, even when we are aware that those paradigms are not applicable anymore or simply do not suit us well.

It is sometimes difficult to break free from the old script and re-write one for ourselves. There is a sentiment of betrayal to what was instilled in us, a sense of abandonment of the value system that was taught and modeled to us while we were growing up if we even attempt to break lose, as though we were denying our upbringing and unveiling to our parents that they had failed in their pursue to make us into extensions of themselves. There are a lot of problems with living by the old script when we are fully aware it is completely obsolete and not pertinent anymore: it diminishes who we are, we deny ourselves a true opportunity to grow into the kind of individual that we can potentially become, and it models the same mistaken behaviors to future generations setting them up for failure just the way we were trapped in the first place. Trying to conform to old scripts to please everyone else but ourselves prevents us from evolving whole, from moving forward, and from letting ourselves and the people who matter to us enjoy the best, well-rounded, centered, happiest person that we can be and share with others. It is also more comfortable to place blame on our past and the way things were modeled and done with us, than to stand up and claim our lives back. Re-writing the script takes a lot of courage. Keeping the old script is comfortable, even when it’s painful to live by it.

It seems like our socialization can sometimes be an indelible jail in which we incarcerate and punish ourselves for life. Breaking free from the chains of the old when it no longer suits us or prevents us from evolving seems like a task of great proportions and almost impossible at times. Before we continue with destructive patterns and behaviors that perpetuate themselves from generation to generation, we need to look deep into our souls and realize that we have ownership over our lives now, that our socialization is no longer an excuse for us not to be happy, and that the rest of our lives is our responsibility to forge into whatever we want. We are the bosses of ourselves. We are the conductors of our own destiny, and as such we have to break free from the things that hold us back from realizing our maximum potential. We cannot keep placing the blame on our parents, teachers, school mates, our upbringing, the era in which we were raised, etc, for our own misfortunes. Once we become conscious of the things of our past that are holding us back we can claim ownership of our lives and move on to a happier place, one dictated by us based on our own needs, our own goals, and our own life. Mom and dad are not our bosses anymore, our husbands are not our bosses, our children are not our bosses, we are our own boss, our own person, our own lord. It is time to stop looking back and stop blaming our past for our present and start constructing the present that we want in our future. It is time to stand up and deliver for our own selves, as we cannot give when we are empty, we cannot grow on a tight and dark space, and we cannot live by old rules to which we are attached like a puppet. We need to know and believe that we carry the power to re-write the script of our lives the best way possible, the best way it suits ourselves. The only person who can stop us from re-writing our own script is us. The only person who should re-write our script is us.